Thursday, February 2, 2017

[Speak Now...] Time to be Brave

I've been meaning to write this post for the last three weeks, and I find myself unable to. Doing so would mean revisiting a period of my life that I don't really want to think about ever again, but I owe you guys an explanation. It's been a long time. A really, really long time. I've posted here in the blog regularly enough the first half of 2016, and poof, I just vanished. Usually, even though I'm in a blogging or reading slump, I'd still be active on twitter, bemoaning my slumps, but that wasn't the case last year. Things just escalated out of control, and it took everything I had in me to hold on. I had to focus solely on holding on - and nothing else - because I felt that the slightest distraction would make me slip and fall.

2016 was a difficult year; a year of extremes. I was hopeful the first half; and I felt like I was drowning the latter half. It wasn't just being physically sick that was the reason - too many things happened, and I had trouble coping. I couldn't even make myself reach out for help, because I felt too... helpless. To be locked inside your mind where there are no good thoughts running through it is a truly terrible thing. To this day, I still have no idea how everything started. Looking back, it was probably a lot of different things at once. The development was subtle, but I didn't notice that right then and there. Next thing I know, I was falling. Drowning. I was in over my head.

To the people who noticed, thank you. Thank you for reaching out. That you for helping me get back up. To the people I had the courage to reach out to, thank you for not pushing me away. I may not have said what exactly was wrong, but thank you for noticing that something was wrong, and doing your best to help me. To the people I talked to after everything, thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not thinking that I'm exaggerating or making all of this up. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for believing me.

And most of all, to the people above - thank you for believing in me.

Writing all of these makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, but also strong. It feels good to finally be able to say all of these; to try to make sense of everything that happened. I feel like I can finally move forward.  I have no idea what is store in me this year, but I already know that I'll be able to face whatever that may be. I'm okay. I'm truly okay now.

What about reading and this blog, you may ask? Over my unplanned hiatus, I realized just how much I love blogging, and just how big a part it is of my life. I think I need to try harder when I work on the things I love, and that's why I plan to invest more time in both blogging and reading. It's going to be tough at first, but I'm confident I'll make it.

So that's it for now, guys. First post of 2017. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for sticking around.




2 comments:

  1. Love you, Ly. You are strong. Thank you for sharing. 2016 was a fucked up year for most of us but we survived it. Keep going, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. <3 <3 <3
    so happy you're back. you were missed.

    ReplyDelete

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